Oh Thanksgiving, your irony is so thick and rich I wanna pour you over French Toast. The heartwarming story of the Native Americans who welcomed and in all likelihood saved the pilgrims from starvation with their bountiful harvest, culminating in a 3-day feast in which camaraderie, generosity, and mutual respect reigned supreme. And how those pilgrims came to exploit, massacre, and steal from the Native Americans for hundreds of years afterward. In 1863 President Lincoln made Thanksgiving Day a national holiday just years before the Indian Appropriations Act proclaimed that Native American tribes would no longer be recognized as independent powers.
Don’t get me wrong… I love America, and football and oversized portions and the entertainment industry and diversity and free speech and… ah hell, I don’t need to explain myself. Here’s an 802,420 calorie turbaconepicentipede, because we all know Thanksgiving is really about one thing: eating an absurd amount of food.